I Have to Laugh, or I will Scream

A series of 7 paintings, done with acrylic, spray paint, spackle, stickers, dried lavender, and burnt matches on un-stretched canvas and plywood. A video detailing an Average Day played on a Commodore 1702 monitor displayed on 4 cinder blocks, with the remote control on the ground in front. A pile of dried lavender petals. A 5-yard piece of lace spraypainted. An object wrapped in plaster bandage, spray painted black, hung from the ceiling with heavy duty chain. A triple layer gluten free vanilla cake with fresh raspberries running through it, raspberry coulis, white chocolate whipped cream, white chocolate chips, blueberry and raspberry buttercream with melted white chocolate and charcoal buttercream decoration served on a silver tray. An open box of matches spilled on the floor.

How do we begin to take care of ourselves when experiencing pain, physically and emotionally; grief for the people we lost, the parts of ourselves we misplaced, and the life we used to live. When trauma seems all encompassing, how do we tell our bodies to let go? 

We must allow ourselves to still feel the good and find ways to let the light in. Shifting your mindset to focus on the good things will allow you to be open to them. It will allow you to open the door when the good things are knocking. If you only focus on what’s wrong, you might not hear it. 

How do we lean on others? How do we allow intimacy into our lives when we want to run and hide? How do we open ourselves when we’ve spent more time being taught what it’s like to be abandoned than learning to be vulnerable? We must take care of ourselves, and the people around us, in order to heal. We must not cower away from love. We must reach out when we are in need. Find someone to hold our hand when we do not want to be alone in our mind. Romantic or platonic, we must never stop letting love in. 

We find ourselves wondering, is it karma? Is this some type of cosmic punishment for a life lived before mine? What have I done so wrong to be dealt this hand of cards? These are questions that will never be answered. So we find something greater than ourselves to hold on to. 

We must create in order to process our feelings, our grief and guilt, our pain. We do this to escape from the world, and to learn how to live within it. Our body holds onto our trauma, and it is up to us to find ways to cope with it.

This project is a collection of vibrant and fragmented bodily work depicting gestures of care and contemplation, illustrating the process of making meaning of the mud. This is me trying to find a way out when the only way is through.

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